For those of you who are keeping track, I wanted to follow up a bit more quickly because I sounded so discouraged a few days ago in my last post. Honesty brought that to you, but now for the outcome. I never got to sleep, but instead was the lucky recipient of a literal tea party right there in my honor in the infusion center! I must say I was the only one with such a celebration there yesterday. My dear friend brought beautiful china cups with red roses painted on them which had belonged to her deceased and beloved mother! This woman always shows me what it is like to SHOW how you care inside.
I didn’t need much more than the cups to feel like crying, but they were followed by cucumber and creamed cheese finger sandwiches, (real tea food), strawberries and little tea cookies. Ah, and the hot tea from a thermos of course. I never went to sleep, it was just way too fun. So much for infusion center blues. I felt compassion for my fellow infusies who had very quiet, nose in a book supporters and who themselves were either drugged to sleep or just zoning off with something in their headphones. I on the other hand had fun and it took away all the yuck completely for both Julia and I!
So how else does God revive the discouraged? I actually got to go for a walk around the lake with my beloved husband that afternoon; the bad feelings won’t kick in for a few days. And ice cream with the cake, we got to sit looking at the beautiful lake and talk. It’s so good to be away from the house and hard to come by these days with lack of time and lots of kids and broken cars to keep going. But there we were, quietly talking about things near and dear to the heart that I only share with him, and I’ve missed being able to do that so much lately.
I want to be revived when I pray. I have much to learn in that area, but one thing my amazingly wise husband always reminds emotional me is that there are other things I should be holding on to than a desire for an emotional experience when I pray, and they are so good I thought I might just share them with you too.
1) I am saved, and that is a treasure I need to reflect on first whenever I talk God…my helmet of salvation if you are familiar with the Ephesians 6 armor.
2) I come to Him covered with unearned righteousness because of what He did, nothing I do…my beautiful breastplate of righteousness. Now I do confess my sins I am aware of from day to day living because they burden my soul and grieve or sadden the heart of God.
3) I always start off by reading His word because it is the only real truth (is that redundant?) in the universe. It tells me who He is and what He wants from me/us…my “hold it all together” belt of truth.
4) When I feel weak its harder to move on to the rest, but remembering those things above makes it possible. I hold up my shield of faith, I practice faith, I decide to have faith for the things that trouble me, meaning I courageously and humbly ask for His help instead of relying on myself…my life saving shield of faith.
5) Hopefully at this point I have have enlivened enough faith to use my sword, His word of truth. Does it not say that He is near to the broken hearted? Does it not say that if I draw near to Him He will draw near to me? Does it not say that He loved me even when I was lost in my sins, and even now that I am not lost in them but simply tormented by heart problems from living here still with a sin nature? I know these things because of the word of truth, and now I use them to encourage myself and build up my faith, and it gives me the strength to pray.
The final piece of armor is to have my feet covered with the good news about His mercy and forgiveness to sinners like you and me. Well, here I am sharing the good news so I guess I have my shoes on.
But really, emotional me wants an emotional moment, and those come few and far between. Though feeling raw and weak, I managed to fumble with my pieces of armor through tears and with my baby smooth head held in my hands. I didn’t look like much of a warrior to anyone who might have seen, but I guess a lifestyle of focusing on them daily in better times gave me muscle memory that took over when I was drunk with discouragement. How did prayer revive my heart this time? It’s always different, but usually never the direct, personal communication from my heavenly Father that I would choose. This time it was rose covered tea cups and a walk in the park with the one I love. Christ loving me through His body, the hands, feet and words that come from others to me.
I feel alive again.
Justabiding 